Today a really weird feeling came over me and I actually think that it might have been some form of a panic attack. It sounds weird and I think most people know when they’re in for a bumpy anxiety ride, but it’s never happened to me before. My mind felt like it was in two today, one part telling me to get over myself and that I should be having an awesome time with some great people, the other half was crying for help.
I guess maybe some background info would be appropriate, even though this “blog” is pretty much just for myself. I was at a Sci-fi convention for the weekend which was actually a great time, but prior to this weekend I made some big moves in terms of adulthood. I got a semi-professional job, ‘semi’ is extremely emphasized.. at Sears, which I start tomorrow. I also am in the process of changing my account over from the bank back home to a different branch where I moved.
Now I’m sure these aren’t huge steps to many people and I can see why, but my body and mind went crazy over it. I also think that where I was away with friends and I didn’t want to fall into a million pieces around them, that it made it worse. I’m making some big steps in my life, and many more big steps to come and it’s making me uneasy.
After my boyfriend and I finally got back to my place from our nerdy weekend of relaxation and cosplay, I let everything out and just crumbled beside him. He, of course, was very understanding and the more open I was with him, the more I realized why I was so stressed over the smallest life changes. My eyes opened wide and I said, “I know why…why I feel so shitty. It’s because out of these life changes I still want my mom’s opinion and support”. After it all made sense the tears poured down and I was able to make sense of it. Even though it’s been over a year, I still miss my mom’s support and opinion for all my larger life choices, and that is understandable. If it’s 1 year or 40, I’m still going to miss my mom’s opinion on my decisions…
It’s like the butterflies you get when you see someone you truly love, but mixed with nausea. That’s how I feel right now and I really can’t shake it. I’m becoming more and more independent and it hurts without my mom to be by my side.
I could easily avoid all changes in my life but where’s the growth in that? I have to keep pushing and although my body and mind are terrified about my next steps in life, the happiness will show itself eventually…right?
While spending the night with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, something amazing happened. We talked about how we need to appreciate life and all the amazing things it brings.
There’s a few moments in life when someone says, “I need to show you something…”, when your stomach twists and your heart is anxious. You anticipate what it is and when you see it ultimately determines your body’s next reaction.
That night I was given a card, a hand written card with a pasted note inside. My boyfriend told me that he was saving this for the right time, which is another saying that makes your heart skip a little.
It was a typed note explaining things that I knew I had to read and it almost felt like I’ve been waiting for this without even realizing. He explained that he would read this when he felt he was upset or angry over the stupidest of things. It helped him see the importance of everything we see and how beautiful they are.
After reading it all, tears welled up in my eyes, the good kind. I smiled as I read that the world is a beautiful place and that I need to see it for what it is. It explained that I am important and that my place and my part in all of this is necessary. It showed me that the people I meet are not simply just people but humans with a purpose. That some people might not understand or may not realize the beauty we live in but that they deserve to meet the best form of you. The person that you are to your friends and family is what the rest of the world deserves to see. That strangers are beautiful and that we should spread our happiness onto them.
It really opened my eyes in the best way. This passage wasn’t religious, it never mentioned a God or a Heaven or Hell. But it mentioned nature and how we need to appreciate it for all it’s worth. It was beautiful and to know that someone could share this passage and share this voice with me made me feel incredible. I hope that no matter what people turn to, to find happiness and beauty in the world that they share it with others and maybe we can make a change.
I have this habit at looking at my life 10 years from now and I can’t seem to picture myself. Will I have a family? Will I even have my own house? Will I even have a career instead of a job?
These questions rush through my head and instead of just letting them happen when they do like any normal human should, I refrain and can’t seem to find the answers and get frustrated.
I look at my friends and how amazing they are. I assume that they might not think they’re that amazing because I have yet to meet someone who thinks they’re as amazing as everyone else does. Also hard to find a person like that who isn’t a dick. But I see my friends following some sort of path and I ultimately get jealous and want to be that certain of my life.
I guess maybe some of my friends think I have everything all together and that my future is going to be a good one, but I really can’t answer if it will. As humans we thrive for what we don’t have and constantly search for it because someone else has it. It’s really hard to understand what you need in life when you’re chasing something that someone already owns and might/might not cherish.
I guess what I’m getting at is that we constantly don’t seem to find contentment in our life and thrive for more and more. We want to be better than others, whether it be losing weight or studying extra hard or getting a promising job. We want to be better so much that we lose sight of what we were originally after and what we understood would bring us happiness. Sometimes we need to step back and look at what we’re chasing after and ask ourselves if it’s what we originally were after.