Whenever I imagine my life and whenever I have that moment to think, to remind myself of all the things that’s happened and all the things that will eventually happen, a deep dark pit in my stomach just gets larger.
It’s been 8 months since my life changed and I don’t know how those 8 months even went.
There are days I look at everyone I know and I wonder what their biggest disappointments are, the largest pits in their stomachs that erupt from being reminded of them and I can’t help but think I’ve lived a much darker life. Now, before you think “here’s another misunderstood emo kid,” just hear me out, or don’t, I’m not the boss of you.
I have this habit of comparing and I don’t think I’m alone in that boat. Ever since I’ve been trying to fit into sizes too small for me and preferring my brother’s old sweaters, shirts and sweats, I’ve compared myself to everyone. I’ve always looked at life like some kind of sick race that I was wayy too unfit to win.
Through my years after school, I’m constantly surrounded by those who judge you based on your grades or ability to be on time for class. Although it’s not physical, this marathon of life still continues to exist and hurt us all from imagining a happy life or even “the perfect life” because we’re only looking at the greenest grass and not our own.
Now, since 8 months ago, I’ve found a sadder way to “win” this imaginary race…through pain. I look to my friends and I’m there for them but I can’t help but whisper in my head “Please just love your parents, they just care about you..” or “You get to see your parents in a few weeks, you don’t have to go home to something missing..” I can’t help but want to yell at my friends and shake them and tell them that they have an amazing life and that there’s no need to stress.
Eight months ago, after my last phone call with my mom, I never knew my life would change into this. I loved her so much and to be able to say I will see her this Christmas would really make me believe in miracles. Tears are inevitable this Christmas, and most people have never had to live with that on their Christmas itinerary.
From all this I’m not saying that my life is the worst because I really do have amazing upsides that make life worth it everyday. But I am saying that you have to think about who and what you complain about sometimes. People have this horrible way of remembering the worst in their lives, me included, and when they hear others complain, they can’t help but think about all the bad that’s being played in their mind.
My life has really taken a huge change for the worse. My role model and my inspiration and someone who I always loved since the moment I came into this world has now left. My mom was someone that I looked up to and someone I think about everyday. She lost her battle to cancer after almost 13 years of battling. She never gave up and even on her last days I was told that her smile never faded.
I definitely could spend my entire day saying all the great things and the things I miss about my mom and I’m sure I’ll have one of those days where I will, but today is not one of them.
The message I really want to express is the fact that although there are some horrible mothers out there, there is a huge amount of mothers that would give up their last breath to see you live another year into this world. Mothers that fight with you until their face turns red because they care so much about you and want what’s best for you. Mothers who always want to know where you’re going and especially who you’re with because they love you. As humans living in a first world country we take many things for granted but having a mother to care for you and help you every moment of your day should not be one of them.
Me and my mother didn’t always have a perfect relationship, we fought at times, we cried, we slammed doors and said things that only minutes passed before we regretted them. But at the end of the day I loved her no matter what and it’s definitely the greatest form of unconditional love I’ve ever witnessed.
When I left for school our whole relationship changed into something awesome. We never fought and there wasn’t a day I didn’t tell her that I loved her. She helped me through a lot and was always there to make me feel like life was wonderful and worth it. I had a horrible relationship with my boyfriend at the time and she was there every step of the way and helped me to move on. I needed her to be there and I needed her in my life to get through it all. When I was doing horrible in a course she stood by my side and always said she was proud of me and that it wasn’t the end of the world, as much as I thought it was. She gave me my space and didn’t smother me with phone calls but she always was hard to get off the phone whenever I called.
I just wish more people appreciated their mothers, not just on mother’s day or when they get sick, but now. Now, while they are always a phone call or text away and who are always reachable when you have a problem you need solving. I know I got dealt a wonderful card when it came to my parents but I know that I’m not alone and I know there are mothers out there who give all the love they can but don’t receive it.
I find it really interesting how human life can change so quickly (based on an evolutionary perspective). Now I’m not exactly talking about the way we look or anything concrete but I’m referring to a behavioural stand point. Lately I just creep on Facebook and let my “friend’s” lives become some sort of daily news which I am positive I am not alone on. But I’ve noticed how the norms of dating where I’m from have changed and definitely broadened. I’m talking about age difference and gender and how I’m seeing more of younger guys dating much older ladies. Mostly when we think of who should be older in a relationship we think of the guys being older, or well I do at least, and it’s different when I see women with kids dating a guy with not even a high school diploma. Now, I’m just voicing my opinion of things and personally it doesn’t affect me so I’m not going on a rant on how much I can’t stand this relationship dynamic. It’s more or less just interesting to realize and I always thought that all girls matured faster than guys but there must be either some early matured guys out there or some really immature (for their age) women.
Obviously I could go on to explain some other relationships seen as more common to see in public, such as same-sex couples, which I honestly find amazing, but that’s for another post. Overall, all I can say is as long as you’re happy, I don’t really care who you’re with. Whatever floats your boat and I’ll float mine my own way.
Jennifer Lawrence alphabet
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